


make each other shine

by unbalancedlove



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Making Out, mentioned yutae johnil and kunten, side luren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 03:03:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unbalancedlove/pseuds/unbalancedlove
Summary: when a song that mark wrote about donghyuck is chosen for the latest nct u unit, their relationship changes forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! i'm finally posting this after constantly talking about it on twitter!!!!!
> 
> a few disclaimers:  
> 1) i don't actually know how things work at sm, so everything in this fic is probably inaccurate.  
> 2) this isn't meant to be a real representation of markhyuck's relationship and it doesn't reflect what i actually think they're like.

mark is having a bad day.

his job isn’t easy, sure, but he’s used to it. he knows how to make the best of his time even when he’s reached a point beyond exhaustion, when he manages to twist a wince of pain into a smile. a small price he has to pay to be able to live out his dreams.

but today? it fucking sucks all around. he missed his alarm, barely had anything to eat, and now he’s backstage preparing for the second performance of the day, at some festival that he doesn’t even remember the name of. they all start to blend together eventually. after this they have to rush back to the company for an important meeting.

for now he would love to have a little bit of peace in the midst of the craziness happening around him. combine his nine teammates with all their staff and you have an army of people pouring in and out of the waiting room. he closes his eyes and exhales, but the sound of bullets next to him is grating and impossible to ignore.

“haechan-ah, can you put on your headphones? the noise is giving me a headache.”

donghyuck doesn’t look up from the game he’s playing on his phone. he hasn’t looked him in the eyes for days now. “you didn’t mind taeil hyung blasting his music in the van earlier.”

“a frank ocean song is not comparable to you shooting up people,” mark snaps back.

“stop making excuses and just admit that you’re just annoyed because it’s  _ me _ .” he turns up the volume.

his words cut through mark like a razor, because there might be some truth to them. mark isn’t an easily irritable person, but right now the noise coming from donghyuck’s phone is the most annoying thing he’s ever heard in his life. 

“guys,” doyoung says with a threatening edge in his voice. one word from him is enough to nip their argument in its bud, a skill he gained from years of practice as their mediator.

_ you can fight it out all you want when we’re alone, _ he lectured them before. _ just dont bring your petty bullshit to our schedules. _

but it’s not easy.

it’s hard for him to admit right now, but he doesn’t hate donghyuck. how could someone outright hate their own best friend? they’re just  _ fighting _ . again. and to make it worse, this is one of those fights that had escalated enough for them to stop speaking to each other, save for a few snappy exchanges.

he thought that they’d grown out of it by the time donghyuck became an adult, but they’re still here, over five years into their relationship, at each other’s throat like they’re still thirteen and twelve.

mark looks at doyoung, pleading with his eyes to do something about it, but doyoung ignores him. he’s refusing to interfere beyond deescalating their fights this time because, as he put it, they’re not little kids in need of adult supervision anymore.

maybe he isn’t, but donghyuck sure is acting like a baby right now. he’s overreacting and making mark seem like an asshole who’s out to get him just because he asked him to let him rest for five fucking seconds. 

a stage manager drops by their room and motions for them to get ready. mark sighs. it’s shaping up to be another two hour sleep day for him. he shakes his head and blinks the tiredness of his eyes. clears his throat. puts on a smile.

 

donghyuck makes sure he sits as far away from mark as possible on the way home. mark thinks of it as an act of courtesy rather than pettiness.

they arrive at the company building at ten on the dot. they should start around thirty minutes from now. 

mark lights up when he sees yukhei in the practice room. “xuxi!”

“mark!” yukhei runs up to him and envelopes him in a big bear hug. he smiles as he buries his face into his chest. donghyuck scoffs behind them. he and yukhei have never been particularly close.

it’s been a while since they’ve seen each other, a whole month actually. he and the others have been in china for a good chunk of the year, and their time away from home (or what mark considers home) seems to extend with every trip. mark wonders if he’ll stop seeing them altogether eventually. he looks over at renjun and chenle, sitting in the back and laughing at something that jeno said, and the thought feels unbearable.

“how have you been?” he asks as if he hasn’t been keeping up with their schedule and messaging them daily.

yukhei thinks for a second, and then bites his bottom lip. “it’s been really,  _ really _ great.”

he doesn’t know what to make of that response. “alright buddy,” he replies, patting his arm.

despite how tired he, donghyuck, and his hyungs are, the atmosphere in the room is bright as everyone exchanges hugs and  _ how are you _ s. chenle and renjun’s go-to way of saying hello is choking him and pinching his cheeks simultaneously, all while kun gets caught up in the middle of an argument that instantly breaks between ten and doyoung.

they’re an absolute mess. that’s the nct he knows and loves.

mark isn’t sure of what to expect today. his manager vaguely said that they’re going to discuss their full group album, but couldn’t provide any more details. they’ve all been asked to give more input into the songs and concepts for each unit, and he was excited about creating something that really represented all their personalities. still, the final product was always determined by the higher ups in the end.

“hey guys,” taeyong yells. “can we all settle down now?”

donghyuck grabs jeno’s hand and sits with him in a corner, and mark watches them with the corner of his eye before plopping down between yuta and sicheng on the couch that’s on the opposite side.

the production team files in and face the members. “i’m sure you’re all tired and dying to go home and get some rest, so let’s keep this brief,” their manager says.

“we’ve taken everything that you guys said into consideration,” one of the producers tells them. “and the tracklist has mostly been finalized, but we’ve decided on a last minute addition.”

scandalized whispers break out from every corner, interrupting the announcement. taeyong clears his throat, and they fall silent again.

“a new nct u track featuring mark,” he continues, looking down at the notepad in his hand. “and haechan.”

silence.

chenle raises his hand. “and who else?”

the producer shoots him a confused look. “it’s a duet. the title is shine together,” he adds quickly before the room breaks into chaos once again. the members are all dead quiet though. 

did mark fall asleep on the van and slip into his worst nightmare? he wants to check for donghyuck’s reaction, but quickly realizes that he doesn’t want to know what he thinks, or what anyone else does for that matter.

if everyone else heard it, then that makes it real. 

“we’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and we think that the song is an essential addition to the album. it’s an r&b ballad, the type that does great on the charts these days.”

“we thought of releasing it as a digital single with a female vocalist, but haechan’s voice matched the track more,” another person on the team adds.

so he stares at his feet, ignoring the reassuring pat on the shoulder that yuta gives him, as the producer tells them that the details will be discussed tomorrow afternoon before leaving as swiftly as he came in. 

not that song, anything but that song.

nobody talks to him after the announcement. what could be said, really? enjoy the next two awkward months with the person you want to choke with your bare hands? 

donghyuck storms off first, his expression is unreadable but the way he stomps his feet makes a clear statement about how annoyed he is. he’s always like this, never sparing everyone around him from knowing exactly how he feels. the rest of the 127 members exchange awkward looks before bidding the others goodnight and trailing behind him.

yukhei points at his phone.  _ text me later _ . mark nods and waves to him weakly.

he spends the entire ride home wondering how he’s going to get through these album promotions. he thinks that he’s going to burst, because the person he’d normally talk to about these things hates his guts right now.

 

“alright,” doyoung says, sitting cross legged as mark changes into a sweatshirt. “are you going to say what’s on your mind or do i have to nag you into telling me?”

“i thought you weren’t meddling in our childish arguments?” mark replies, still a little bitter that he betrayed him back in the waiting room. he climbs into bed and unlocks his phone. three messages from yukhei.

“that’s not it, there is something else that’s bothering you.” 

living with people who know you inside and out can be hell sometimes. mark doesn’t budge though. “besides the fact that i just got put in the last unit i want to be in right now? nah, i’m just exhausted from today’s schedules.”

doyoung sighs. “you know what? fine, don’t tell me. i’m just worried about you, mark. you can’t just bottle things up until you explode. it’s really unhealthy.”

he feels bad, but he really can’t let him in on his little secret. he’s scared and embarrassed and most of all, nothing good will come out of someone else knowing about it. it’s better if he could get through it as quickly and quietly and possible. and then he could go back to pretending that that time when he was fifteen and fucking stupid just never happened. 

and mark lee can get through anything, he’s confident of that much at least.

“when you’re ready to share your burden, the others and i are here to listen.”

“goodnight, hyung.” 

 

“shine together is mark’s song,” their producer tells them at the meeting the next day. “honestly, i thought you would be more ecstatic about it getting selected for the album.”

donghyuck turns to him, surprised. their eyes meet, and the pace of mark’s heart quickens. “you never told me this.”

“i didn’t know we were talking.” the words escape mark’s mouth before he could stop them. he regrets it immediately, because the atmosphere turns awkward in an instant.

doyoung hyung would kill him if he was present in this meeting. unfortunately for him though, he’s the oldest nct member in the room and the one who should be maintaining order. 

“what? are you guys fighting or something?” he exclaims. their manager buries his face in his hands, probably wondering what crime he committed in his past life to become in charge of those two.

mark and donghyuck exchange looks and nod before they turn to the producer at the same time. “no, not at all!” they say at the same time. donghyuck throws an arm around mark’s shoulder, and mark leans into it awkwardly.

the man laughs. “i got really worried for a second there. i’m too used to you two getting along really well.”

“i-i’m really thankful for this opportunity,” mark continues timidly. he didn’t even for a second think of it that way. his brain was too warped about the song and donghyuck and how he personally felt about it.

“i’m surprised that you didn’t submit this song for consideration before. it’s some of your best work.”

“may i ask who did, then?” donghyuck asks before mark could. he’s smiling but the irritation is clear in his eyes. 

“it was johnny, he’s the one you should be thanking right now, not me.”

more like the person he wants to murder right now.

 

“since when did you keep secrets from me?” donghyuck hisses at him as they step out of the conference room.

“what secrets? it’s just one fucking song,” he replies. he doesn’t want to have this conversation right now. or ever.

“i’ve read and listened to everything you’ve written since you entered sm, hyung,” donghyuck says. “and now i hear about this shine whatever? which is apparently so good that it gets chosen  as a single?”

they don’t notice three shinee members narrowly walking past them. “you’re making a big deal out of nothing. so what if you don’t know every single song that i’ve shitted out? i didn’t even remember that it existed until last night.” at least that last part was true.

“oh, yeah, sure i’m the one who is being dramatic for no reason,  _ again _ . it’s not you who’s blatantly lying to my fucking face.” he storms off.

mark wonders if keeping secrets is worth all the drama, but then decides that donghyuck would have found something to get mad about regardless. this doesn’t really change anything.

 

the rest of the day goes by in a blur of meetings and recording sessions, and the only thing on mark’s mind is donghyuck’s scathing words playing on repeat. it isn’t fair. he shouldn’t be the one taking in all the blame for a decision that was out of his control. for revealing something that he wanted to keep buried deep in the past. 

he tells himself that he can get through it, but their exchange left his chest aching with an anxious feeling that he cannot shake off no matter how hard he tries, and the usual distraction of working his body beyond its limit just isn’t cutting it this time. he’s not sure he could put up with it for months anymore, not to mention every inevitable future performance of the song.

mark knows donghyuck better than he knows himself, and if his assumptions are correct, his best friend is not going to make this any easier for him. 

 

“taeyong hyung,” he knocks on his door that night. it’s pretty late, but he stood outside for a whole minute to make sure that they’re not asleep, and then sighed in relief when he heard yuta’s faint laughter.

“wow, doyoung was right,” yuta says as he lets him in, and mark doesn’t question why he’s there, or what he means by that. 

“what’s wrong?” taeyong asks, looking like a concerned parent.

“say that….i’m against the addition of one of the songs on the album….” his own words feel foreign to him. he’s never considered actually going against the company’s decisions before. 

taeyong stops him before he can continue. “i’m going to be honest with you, mark. they’ve talked to me about this earlier this week and the company is expecting a lot from this song. did you hear how they described it yesterday? they think that it has all the factors to succeed, and they’re going to push it. hard.”

in any other situation, mark would have been over the moon to hear someone talk like that about his songs, and one that he wrote when he was fifteen no less. but the sinking feeling in his stomach only grows heavier.

“i didn’t think you would be this upset,” johnny says. “i’m really sorry.”

he can’t be angry at him. how was he supposed to know? maybe doyoung hyung was right, bottling his emotions up only leads to disasters. it’s time to come clean.

“actually….our fight is not the only reason i’m upset.”

johnny, yuta, and taeyong exchange knowing looks. he’s embarrassed about the fact that they’ve probably discussed this behind his back, but he pushes on.

“i wrote shine together about someone.” 

“yeah, duh,” yuta replies, and taeyong smacks his arm. 

mark is bewildered. “what do you mean,  _ duh _ ?”

“it’s from 2015, right? you were acting super weird then, we all knew something was up,” johnny explains. 

mark thinks back to the time he spent trying to avoid _him_ , how he turned red whenever the hyungs teased him, how he coped with his feelings by locking himself in his room and pouring his feelings into a notebook. he covers his face in his hands. “oh my god, i want to die right now.”

“don’t worry about it, johnny hyung was a lot more embarrassing about taeil before they got together,” yuta assures him. taeyong snorts.

“hey, don’t turn this on me now!”

“you’re right, let’s go back to bullying mark.”

“i’m leaving,” mark says, getting up, but johnny grabs his arm. he huffs and sits back down.

“what yuta was trying to say is,” taeyong begins the damage control. “we’ve done all kind of embarrassing shit in front of each other, you shouldn’t feel like you have to keep it from us.”

and he’s right, he heard every unwanted detail of yuta and taeyong’s relationship at this point.

“so you knew….i liked him that whole time?”

“liked who? we had no idea who you were crushing on. we actually all had different ideas, but couldn’t figure it out. my money was on yerim,” johnny sounds disappointed as he adds that last part.

mark takes a deep breath. “donghyuck.”

“that’s not very funny, mark,” yuta replies, frustrated. 

he can’t say it again, and his face is turning beet red. he starts to wish that he hadn’t said anything when the looks on his hyungs’ faces shift from mild amusement to absolute horror as they realize that he’s not joking.

“oh no….” taeyong whispers, at least sounding sympathetic. mark just nods, his head hung down.

“do you still….”

“no! i got over that a long time ago!” that sounds even worse than his current predicament. 

taeyong sighs in relief. “i was starting to think you guys were having some kind of lovers’ spat or something.”

“he never has and never will like me like that,” mark says, sounding a whole lot more bitter than he intended. huh. maybe he has some unresolved feelings with how that crush ended that he didn’t know about before.

they all look at him like he’s a wounded kitten, and he feels awkward again. “which is why i got over it,” he adds in a small voice.

they’re all quiet for a long time. it’s not exactly something that could be laughed away. falling for his own best friend was as cliche as it was painful. 

“i can’t promise you anything, but i’ll try to talk to them about it.”

at the very least, mark thinks as he tiptoes back to his room, he finally felt comfortable enough to spill his secret to someone. the hyungs made him feel safe and welcome, and he felt stupid for not telling them about it earlier. after all, nothing bad can come out of this, right?

wrong.

 

donghyuck stops dancing and rolls his eyes before turning around. “what now?”

“you moved your arm in the wrong direction,” mark says, looking at the mirror instead of his best friend. he is met with his own hollow and exhausted face.

“no i didn't, and if you focused on yourself instead of nitpicking my moves you’d realize that you were the one who was off.”

mark exhales deeply. they’d been at it all morning again. “we all saw it, right?”

he knows that they're tired of getting dragged into their arguments, their reflections in the mirror reveal as much, but this for the sake of the  _ team _ . 

“we just started working on this song, there is no need to point out little every mistake,” taeyong answers diplomatically. 

“but i didn't make a mistake!” donghyuck replies, which only makes mark more annoyed. that’s what he gets for trying to help.

“you messed up a few times too mark,” jungwoo speaks up. everyone turns to him in surprise. he shrugs.

“yeah, but i quickly realized it every time and fixed my mistakes right away. it's not the same thing.”

donghyuck scoffs. “you’re right, it’s not the same because i didn't even fuck up once today.”

“would it kill you to admit that you were wrong for once in your life? and here i was trying to be really nice about it t-”

“if you’re planning to waste any more of our practice time, you should just save us the trouble and leave,” doyoung says, his calm tone masking the rage that is bubbling underneath. 

“bu-”

“out. come back when you decide to act like adults.”

 

mark quickly finds jeno, jaemin, and jisung a few rooms away. he’s surprised donghyuck didn't get to them first (not that he cares where he went after he stormed out).

they were sitting in a circle and whispering to each other when he walked in, but suspiciously went silent as soon as they noticed someone’s presence. 

jeno lets out a sigh of relief. “oh it’s just you, hyung.”

“yeah, and i had the worst fucking day,” mark invites himself into their circle, and they quickly readjust to fit him in.

“who gives a shit about that,” jaemin cuts him off, scrunching his nose. “you and donghyuck tried to murder each other again blah blah blah, i'm falling asleep.”

“we’ve heard it a million times,” jisung nods.

“what’s so important that it warranted whispering in an empty breakroom, then?” mark asks. maybe jaemin’s gossip will take his mind off his current predicament. 

“jaemin has a crazy conspiracy theory,” jeno starts off, which sets alarm bells off in mark’s head. this isn’t the first time he heard that sentence.

jaemin punches his arm. “stop making me sound like a weirdo! i just think that renjun and xuxi hyung are hiding something from the rest of us.”

“they’re secretly reptiles?” he’s not sure about yukhei, but it would explain a lot about renjun.

jeno and jisung burst out laughing while jaemin frowns. “they’re  _ dating _ , hyung.”

“that sounds….highly unlikely.”

jaemin leans close enough for mark to smell his coffee breath. “but is it really?” 

he thinks back to the last time he saw the two of them. he was pretty distracted with his own shit, but he can distinctly remember yukhei being more cheerful than usual, if that was even possible. still, it was hard to come up with a conclusion based off that brief encounter, and jaemin hadn’t had the chance to spend much time with them, either.

mark narrows his eyes. “where did you get this information? is it yangyang? ten hyung?”

jisung looks impressed. “wow, you catch on fast.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he’s not as dense as everyone wants to think he is.

“he overheard ten hyung and kun hyung talk about it the other day,” jeno explains. “but it’s not enough evidence!”

“ten hyung heard it from johnny hyung who heard it from yuta hyung who thought he might have seen sicheng hyung text renjun about it,” jaemin adds in one long breath.

mark looks at jeno. “this is actually has more ground than his other theories.”

“not you too, hyung!”

jaemin cheers in triumph. “welcome to the winning side!”

“i never chose a side,” mark replies, exasperated. “and this could easily be resolved by asking renjun yourselves, you know.”

“that’s what i said too,” jisung agrees. he looks even more annoyed than mark does for getting dragged into the debate.

“you guys are no fun, i should save my intel for people who actually appreciate it. like donghyuck.”

the moment the name escapes his lips, donghyuck comes in as if he had been summoned. “we’re leaving,” he says to mark cryptically. his cold tone wipes the smiles off his friends’ faces.

 

“i don’t think i understand what’s going on,” mark says as he sips on his smoothie.

“i’m not sure either. we’re being punished by….getting the rest of the day off?” their manager had apparently gotten orders to take the two of them out, but specifically  _ together _ . they quickly decided on the starbucks they usually frequent.

they ignore each other for a good hour, until donghyuck finishes the last bite of his cake and points his fork at mark.

“so you’re really not going to tell me?”

“about what?”

“the song, hyung.” his voice is softer, more like how he usually talks to him when they’re fighting. mark realizes how much he missed it. how much he misses him.

“there is nothing to tell you, i thought we already established that a few days ago.”

“i’m giving you one chance to come clean, are you sure you want to continue lying to me?”

it hurts. it really does. they both know he’s lying through his teeth. there is no one in this world who knows him better.

“i’m going to call taeyong hyung and ask him if they’re done so we could go home.”

 

to his surprise, taeyong tells him that they’ve all already gone back without them a couple of hours ago. that’s two awkward hours that he had to endure with donghyuck. he’s not sure he appreciates the gesture.

“we’re back.” he steps in first, and donghyuck follows. he’s ready to walk over to taeyong and johnny’s room to ask them to please not orchestrate any more terrible dates, but he finds that everyone is waiting for them in the living room. “w-what’s going on?”

his hyungs look at each other, and it’s johnny who speaks up. “we were discussing the recent situation between you two, and we decided to make a temporary change in the room arrangement.”

“what does that fucking mean?” donghyuck asks, even though he knew exactly where he was going.

“until you two make up and stop letting your personal problems affect the new album preparations, you’re going to room together.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience!!! like i mentioned in my cc, i'm going to stick to weekly updates starting from now.

**** much like now, every day in mark’s pre-debut life involved donghyuck’s somehow. 

his journal might as well just be titled donghyuck’s daily activities log. he’s always there, bothering him or stealing his food or smothering him in cuddles, and it was all important enough for mark to document in great detail. even when he was back home on vacation, donghyuck would blow up his phone just to make sure he didn’t forget about his existence in the few weeks he was away from seoul. to be honest, mark grew attached to him too.

a little too attached.

“oh, hyung! that’s my favorite song!” donghyuck says, looking up from his laptop.

mark knows that. it’s why he ‘randomly’ started playing it on his guitar while donghyuck is hanging out in his room. “and yet i heard you stumble through the lyrics the other day,” he teases.

donghyuck abandons whatever he was watching to defend himself from the accusation. getting a rise out of him is too easy. “that was a week ago, i know it by heart now!”

“from the top then,” mark says softly, tapping his guitar before playing the song from the beginning. 

donghyuck closes his eyes and puts a hand on his chest, a cute habit that he gets into every time he wants to focus. mark nods along as he gets through the first verses and then the chorus without a hitch. his voice is pretty and clear, sounding more stable with each passing day, and mark would know because he always pays attention when he sings, because he’s always loved listening to it.

but then donghyuck’s face scrunches up as he realizes that he has no idea what the next verse is. mark laughs at his confusion but he continues playing.

giving up on singing completely, donghyuck launches into a dramatic interpretive dance instead. it’s so silly, but he looks so happy, especially when he notices how funny mark finds it. he can barely focus on playing the right notes when his entire body is shaking with laughter. donghyuck does a little spin, a strange move where he crawls on the floor, and even throws a random kick in there.

their debut is looming, and donghyuck is beautiful and brilliant. his charm and years of practice shining even through this performance that he’s putting for mark. he can’t stop thinking about how much everyone is going to adore him once he gets up on that stage and shows them all the sides that mark has fallen in love with, and exactly how he has him so entranced with a little dance and a smile. 

and at the same time, he feels somewhat jealous that this won’t be for his eyes only anymore, that debuting together and being under the scrutiny of the fans and public will only complicate their simple and pure relationship and force him to shove his feelings deep down.

because they’ll only hurt the team.

 

four years later, and everything is so different now. complicated and ugly and making mark feel constantly emotionally constipated because he can almost never talk about what's bothering him because nothing good will ever come out of it. maybe it’s just the nature of their jobs, but it might also be that they’re both grown up now. either way, mark hates it.

and there is really no thrill in sharing a room with the boy he used to have a crush on. fifteen year old mark would have been nervous and excited and self conscious about the way his face looked when he slept, but at twenty he’s cranky and annoyed and hopes this arrangement doesn’t get in the way of his precious resting time. if donghyuck wants to sing or something he’s gonna have to do it in front of someone else.

“we’ve got to establish some boundaries here,” he says to donghyuck, who rolls his eyes.

he just finished moving his stuff from his room to donghyuck and jaehyun’s. his own room couldn’t be used because doyoung refuses to let anyone tamper with the perfect harmony he worked hard to create in his sacred temple. mark wishes that someone in this dorm could have respect for his temple. and also his sanity.

“you need to make up a set of rules so you could follow them?”

“shut up,” he replies, irritated. “i’m just trying to get us through this as peacefully as possible, and it’s not going to happen if we don’t agree on  _ some _ things.”

“ugh, fine.”

“first off, you have to use your headphones at all times. second, we’re not allowed to touch each other’s stuff. third, and i think this is the most important, no talking.”

“no talking?” donghyuck repeats, incredulous. at least that’s the only part he seems to have a problem with.

“if every conversation we have ends in a argument, it’s better if don’t start one at all, right? and i don’t want the hyungs busting down the door to break up a fight over some stupid shit.”  _ again _ , he adds in his head. “it’s embarrassing and humiliating and i fucking hate it.”

“sounds reasonable enough, don’t want to get humiliated by being proven wrong again.” it’s like he can’t help himself, absolutely infuriating.

“donghyuck.”

donghyuck purses his lips before getting into bed.

“oh. we’re starting now, i guess.”

 

the next week goes by just like this, the time that wasn’t devoted to practicing for the new 127 track was instead spent in total silence at the dorm. despite the looming awkwardness and tension, mark actually likes this new change. they’ve established invisible boundaries in the room, immediately moving to their corners when they got home and never interacting with each other. and whenever donghyuck gets that compulsive need to go bother someone, he chooses one of the eight other targets roaming around the dorm.

but there are no rules for when someone comes over.

“taeil hyung is so cute,” donghyuck coos in his most obnoxious baby voice as he suffocates taeil in one of his signature hugs. the one where wraps his arms around the person and nuzzles his face into their neck. mark is personally familiar with it, as he is (was?) the prime victim.

taeil’s existence in the room breaks every rule. they're watching a movie with no headphones, talking over it, and mark is pretty sure that taeil stole a blanket from his bed. donghyuck makes a joke that they both laugh so hard over that they have to hit pause. that’s what he and mark used to do, donghyuck with his inability to shut up, and mark’s tendency to find everything he says absolutely hilarious.

and now he has to sit there and watch someone else get the same attention that he’s used to.

but no, he’s fine with this. he really is.

 

“donghyuck, it’s almost five we’re going to be late,” mark whispers as loudly as he could, refraining from shaking him awake like he usually would.

“neuggh,” donghyuck replies, burying his face further into the pillow.

“what?”

“no talking.”

mark is tempted to leave him behind, but unfortunately, today is too important to skip. “get your ass up before i call doyoung hyung here.”

that does the trick.

the music video set is a two hour long drive from seoul. mark gets all the sleep he can on the way because shooting days are long and gruelling, and he spends every break time perfecting the choreography.

he’s only fully awake at nine, when he drops into the makeup chair and the bright lights attached to the mirror nearly blind him.

“you guys look uh….different,” he says to the reflections of his hyungs in the mirror. when the director explained that they were going with a punk influenced concept this time around, he didn’t expect that there was going to be so much eyeliner involved.

“i can’t believe i still have to wear a school uniform at the age of 25,” taeil grumbles as he pulls on the jacket of his gakuran. 

“i would totally have had an embarrassing crush on you in high school,” johnny replies encouragingly.

“your school didn’t have a uniform, johnny hyung. imagine the fashion disasters that teenage taeil hyung would have shown up in, he wouldn’t stand a chance,” mark says.

“you’re assuming that johnny hyung wasn’t an even bigger loser,” donghyuck adds, and mark cracks a smile before realizing that, wait, he actually talked to him normally.

he lets out a breathy laugh and plays along. “right, they’re a match made in heaven even in that universe.”

donghyuck finally meets his eyes with a grin, only for a second, but it lifts a lot of the anxiety he felt whenever he’s around him.

he’s completely transformed, in addition to the generous amount of eyeliner, his hair is back to the deep red he had a couple of years ago, and it ignites an unexpected flame in mark’s chest. probably made him think of the days where he was pining for him, is all.

there isn’t anything remaining there to reignite.

“you guys are so mean, we saw both of you as middle schoolers and trust me, it wasn’t pretty,” taeil says as he drags his pouting boyfriend out of the room.

the plot of the video, as mark understands it, is pretty basic.

“so we’re a school gang, starting shit with everyone and always acting out because of our troubled lives, but we’re also a family and we look out for each other. but then weird stuff start happening around the school and we’re forced to confront the ghosts of our past,” jungwoo repeats the explanation that doyoung just gave him. 

“but then it turns out that  _ we’re _ ghosts haunting the school all along, pretty much, yeah,” doyoung confirms with a nod.

“sounds totally fun and not at all too confusing to shove into four minutes,” jungwoo says, his faces turning appropriately pale.

mark tunes out their conversation as he watches donghyuck film his individual shots. the dark red really fits him best, especially when it’s fluttering from the wind coming in through the broken windows of the abandoned school. 

he can’t help but feel nervous, because donghyuck is leaning a little too heavily into the window, and he’s focusing on getting his facial expressions right over his own safety. he’s about to ask one of the staff members to tell him to be more careful when doyoung taps his shoulder.

“….what do  _ you _ think, mark?”

“huh?” he looks back at jungwoo and doyoung. they’re both expecting him to settle some sort of argument.

“you know, about the xuxi and renjun thing?”

“wow, gossip travels quick in this group.” he’s not sure he likes having twenty people know his personal business at all times. “aren’t you close to xuxi, hyung? seriously, why isn’t anyone asking them themselves?”

“where is the fun in that?” jungwoo asks like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“yeah, otherwise jaemin’s side gambling business would fall apart.”

“jaemin’s what?” he can’t believe doyoung is supportive of this nonsense.

doyoung lifts his hands in the air. “look, i’ve gotta support the kids somehow, and business is business.”

“oh, woah!” donghyuck squeaks as he stumbles, bringing mark’s attention back to him immediately. 

“are you okay?” he rushes over to his side, filled with concern. their manager is already there, holding his hand.

donghyuck and the manager look at him like they’d just seen a ghost, and only then does he understand that they were just messing around. mark’s face starts to burn despite the chilly breeze. 

“of course,” he replies, looking just as embarrassed. “t-thanks.”

“uh, yeah. and be careful because the window’s broken and uhm, you wouldn’t want to….fall.” mark walks away wishing the ground would open up and swallow him.

he’s sure that doyoung and jungwoo are going to tease him about what happened, but they’re too busy arguing over the same tired topic.

“you’re just saying they’re not because you want to take jeno’s side, hyung.”

“no! it’s my honest opinion, and also jeno is never wrong and has never been in his life, ever.”

the shoot finally wraps up for the day around nine in the evening, and mark can barely keep himself awake as he steps back into the van. before he slips into another nap, he notices that donghyuck chose to sit in the backseat with him, albeit on the opposite corner.

progress.

 

back at the dorm, mark thinks about how the recording of the song will go instead of sleeping. it’s scheduled for next week, straight after they finish the preparations for the 127 track. he’s nervous about how they’ve changed the song,  _ his _ song, and whether or not he and donghyuck will turn it into something different, unrecognizable.

“hyung, what are you humming?” donghyuck asks, breaking through the invisible barrier and sitting next to him. “and don’t lecture me about breaking the rules.”

mark suddenly realizes something. “wait, you haven’t heard it yet?”

“heard what? have you been working on something new?”

he runs over to the living room to get his guitar and closes the door behind him when he comes back. it is getting pretty late.

“i’m sorry i didn’t tell you, i really didn’t think it would be a big deal and-”

“don’t mention this again until you’re willing to tell me the truth.”

“bu-”

“seriously, i don’t wanna hear it. just play.”

he can’t argue further, because donghyuck is stubborn in his belief that mark is lying, and because he’s never going to tell him the truth. unstoppable force meets immovable object. 

his hands are shaky when they meet the strings. mark never thought that he would be sitting here alone with donghyuck, past midnight, about to play the love song he wrote about him. 

“this is shine together,” he whispers, and donghyuck sits up, eyes glimmering in excitement.

mark looks away from him as he starts playing, he can’t sing this while looking at him, it would just give it all away. 

ten years could go by, and he’d still have every word engraved into mind. the pain of his first love, the brightness in donghyuck’s eyes, even the way he used to tease him back then. his love for donghyuck shaped him in a lot of ways, and it’s still a part of who he is even now as he tries to forget it ever happened.

when donghyuck doesn’t say anything after he finishes, mark dares to look at him. and he looks….pretty dazed. “what do you think?”

“huh?” was he even paying attention? “i-it’s beautiful, hyung. it all makes sense now.”

“what does?”

“why they chose this song. you’re so talented,” he says it so matter-of-factly, with so much conviction, that mark can’t help but believe that he’s not just trying to be nice.

he doesn’t seem to notice anything weird about the lyrics, thankfully. 

“play it again,” he orders, scooching closer. the voice he uses with him seems to turn more like his old self with each word. it’s almost like they’re normal again. mark is a little confused but he doesn’t question it.

“only if you’ll sing with me,” he says, surging with confidence. “ready?”

donghyuck only nods along at the beginning, but then starts to follow along the chorus, stumbling through a few of the words but still managing to make it through to the end.

he lets out a long breath when they’re finished, and only now does mark notice that the distance between them has shrinked. shoulder to shoulder, donghyuck staring into his eyes.

“i don't know what it is but, i love the song so much.”

it’s strange, donghyuck has never looked this enthusiastic about his music. often he’d just say it's good or some other generic compliment.

“donghyuck,” he calls, his heart racing. “what are you doing?”

donghyuck audibly gulps. “i’m not sure but, would you be okay with it?”

okay with what? mark has no idea. he nods anyway.

and donghyuck kisses him.

he gasps into his mouth, eyes wide open, his mind unable to process anything except the fact that this feels weird. rather than a kiss, it felt more like their faces were smushed against each other. mark doesn’t struggle, because he doesn’t hate it. he just wishes it wasn’t like this.

when donghyuck breaks away, there is panic setting in his eyes, probably mirroring mark’s. before he could mumble some sort of apology, mark speaks over him.

“let’s try again.” 

motivated by (what he tells himself is) frustration, he presses his fingers into donghyuck’s jaw and eases him back into his lips, angling him into a more comfortable position. 

he lands much softer the second time, and mark’s chest aches when he starts to really process the feeling of donghyuck’s lips on his. he stopped imagining this ever happening years ago, stopped thinking he ever wanted it, and yet.

donghyuck lifts his feet off the floor and into the bed so he could get closer, and mark leans back into the headboard as he wraps his arms around his waist. they don’t stop to talk about what’s going on, instead going back for seconds and thirds, and getting more comfortable with each try.

and he kisses him tenderly, more slowly, as if to make up for his first failed attempt, and mark encourages him by continuing to stroke his face.

mark doesn’t know how long they make out for, maybe a few minutes, or a few hours? but he can’t get himself to stop, especially when donghyuck doesn’t either. but then he moves his legs a bit, and his abandoned guitar drops into the floor with a loud thud, bringing them both back to reality.

they stare at each other, both of their hearts beating loudly against each other, and then mark’s phone vibrates obnoxiously under him. 

it’s a text from yuta, telling him to keep it the fuck down because they all have to be up early tomorrow.

oh, right, the shooting.

“i, uh, i’m going to sleep,” is all donghyuck says before shutting off the lights and disappearing into the darkness.

“me too,” mark mumbles back, probably too low for him to hear.

what the fuck just happened?

 

donghyuck is already up, dressed, and waiting in the living room when he wakes up this time. they all are actually.

he passed out soon after….the incident. his brain went on overdrive and was too exhausted to process what happened. a bit concerning but better than staying up all night thinking about it. he would have thought it was all a dream too, if he didn’t notice his guitar still laying sadly on the floor.

but now the real problem is that since he didn’t get time to process it and overthink it before falling asleep, he was going to spend the rest of the day doing exactly that, with donghyuck there the entire time.

back at the abandoned school, everyone starts preparing to shoot the dance scenes, one inside one of the classrooms and another out in the soccer field. 

donghyuck doesn’t say a word to him the entire time, but mark can’t blame him because he’s the one who keeps averting his eyes every time he looks in his direction. 

it feels like everything around him is happening exactly like he would have wanted a long time ago. first the song, and then donghyuck just coming up to him and kissing him out of fucking nowhere. fifteen year old mark would kick him so hard for being so upset and conflicted, but he really doesn’t have the time to worry about all of this right now.

mark doesn’t even know if he still likes donghyuck like that anymore, and what motivated donghyuck to do it in the first place.

truthfully, the real reason he can’t look him in the eyes is because he’ll start thinking about the taste of his lips again.

avoiding him turns out to be much harder when they’re shooting all of today’s scenes together. 

“sorry!” he says when he bumps into someone while they were getting into position, and then feels all the blood drain from his face when he’s met with a very confused and mildly annoyed donghyuck. 

he hears someone snicker behind him, and turns around to see yuta and jaehyun whispering about something. busted. they probably heard everything last night or noticed how awkward they’re being today. ugh, can he not have any sort of privacy around here?

he goes to confront them. “what’s going on?” 

“oh, mark,” yuta says like it’s the first time he’s noticed that he’s there. “i was just telling jaehyun that he’s about to lose, big time.”

huh. they didn’t notice what’s going on between them at all. nobody did. alright.

“why do i keep getting pulled into this argument?” he wonders out loud. why is everyone obsessed with renjun and yukhei’s love life? mark’s is infinitely more interesting at the moment. 

“you might want to pick an alliance, everybody did. it’s about to turn into an all out war,” jaehyun advises.

“worse than the taeyong mullet debate,” yuta confirms.

mark can’t imagine anything blowing up bigger than  _ that _ , those were very dark times.

“no thanks, i have more important things to worry about right now,” he replies, shaking his head. he expects them to question him further, but they just return to their conversation.

they finish earlier than planned, because everyone was cold and tired and wanted to get out of this potentially haunted building as soon as possible. to show his gratitude, the director treats them to dinner in a restaurant nearby.

mark hasn’t eaten all day, and the food that taeyong stuffed into his plate doesn’t look like it’s going to sit well into his stomach, so he excuses himself to go to the bathroom after a few bites.

when he closes the door behind him, it feels like it’s the first time that he’s been able to breathe in days. so much has happened since the last time he’s been able to sit alone with his thoughts. 

but just as he starts to relax, donghyuck interrupts his tranquility by busting in.

“there you are,” he says, sounding relieved. did he think that mark ran away or something? “can we please just talk about what happened?”

“can we do that when we get back home?”

“no, you’ll try to find a way to avoid me again. now i’ve got you cornered, and we’re going to talk about this.”

“but everyone outsi-”

“is busy arguing about that stupid bet, they’ve got the managers in on it too. it’s a whole mess that you’re missing out on, by the way.”

“i’d rather stay out of it, thanks.” of course jaemin got donghyuck in on it too. 

“okay,” donghyuck takes a deep breath. “so about last night.”

“about that….”

“i don’t know why i did….what i did, just to be clear.”

mark figured as much before, but it still stung a little to actually hear it. if donghyuck ever liked him, he would have noticed it right away. his best friend is not the type to mask his feelings. “obviously.” 

at least he’s not getting confessed to in a bathroom. small blessings.

“but i know that we both enjoyed it.” he looks at mark intensely, daring him to disagree.

and mark can only think about how he tightly he gripped into his waist, how he invited him to kiss him a second time. yeah, there is no way he can talk himself out of this.

“so, where do we go from here?” donghyuck clearly looks like he already has some sort of plan.

“if we both enjoyed it….why stop?” 

“w-what are you saying?”

donghyuck turns red, frustrated that he has to talk about this even more and explain it further. “hyung, i know things haven’t been good between us lately, and you suggested that stupid no talking rule like it’s going to solve anything.”

“but kissing me will?”  _ what the fuck are you saying right now?  _ fifteen year old mark screams in his head.

donghyuck huffs. “look, if you don’t want to do it then fi-”

mark grabs his arm. “i never said that. go on.”

“fine. i’m just saying, if we both liked it, and it stops us from coming at each other’s throats at all times, let’s just keep doing it.”

“channel the anger into sucking each other’s faces, you mean?”

“however you wanna put it, i don’t really care.”

“alright, truce?”

“truce,” donghyuck nods, and then smiles triumphantly. 

mark can’t help but smile too. “i know you want to, so just do it.”

donghyuck lightly pushes him again against the wall and only kisses him for a few second, with the same tenderness that mark taught him the previous night.

“i’ll see you back at the dorm,” he says, and mark knows exactly what he means. his heart skips a few beats.

he leaves mark alone again, feeling more confused and excited than he ever did in his twenty years of life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading ♡♡♡
> 
> please let me know what you think here or on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/puppylove) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/demonyukhei)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait;;;;; i really hope you like this chapter!

not a lot actually changes afterwards.

it turns out that kissing doesn’t magically heal all the bad feelings between them. they’re not back to normal (what is that anymore?) by any means. rather than a solution, it’s more like putting a band-aid over a huge gushing wound and expecting it to fix things.

but it is better.

mark discovers that kissing his best friend is a great form of stress relief, and that he really should have started doing it sooner. sometimes the tension between them keeps building up  the whole day and then they’d be all over each other as soon as they’re alone again back home. and whether or not donghyuck was the source of the stress, he still helped him through it. it probably wasn’t what the hyungs intended when they forced them to room together, but it’s still worked….somehow.

at least he can admit to himself that he’s still attracted to donghyuck. it’s not like completely wiping any trace of romantic feelings is going to magically stop him from being attractive. he’s still puzzled by the fact that donghyuck has apparently felt the same way, though. but he doesn’t want to think or talk about it too much because that would only complicate everything.

donghyuck must think the same, because after the bathroom conversation their situation is never verbally discussed again. 

“hyung.” the way donghyuck calls out to him now is foreign, somewhere between affection and begrudging formality. one hundred percent awkward.

“yeah?” they’re on the way to the recording studio today, just the two of them. they’ve been spending less time together lately, since mark stopped being a dream member. ninety five percent has been cut down to eighty, and it’s only going to go down from there as donghyuck dedicates more of his time into their new song instead. 

he has him all for himself today, though.

“i literally told you not to wear that stupid coat this morning,” donghyuck says, eyeing him up and down. it’s saturday and they just picked him up from his mcing schedule.

“and i asked you to shower before i left, but neither of us got what we wanted today, huh?”

“since when did you care about whether or not donghyuck showers?” their manager asks, confused. 

_ since i started pulling on his greasy hair while we’re making out _ , mark thinks.

“i’m just looking out for my best friend, hyung.”

donghyuck flashes him a tight smile. “wow, how thoughtful of you. i wish you could be considerate towards my eyes, too.”

mark looks down at his clothes. sure, the red color might be a little bit flashy, but it’s the most comfortable and warm thing in his closet. “there is nothing wrong with my coat! you’re the only person who has a problem with it.”

“i’m the only person who cares about you enough to say it to your face.”

their arguments carry a lot less bite and malice now, just a series of pointless squibbles to fill the silence when they’re bored and want to get each other’s attention, which seems to be all the time now. maybe it’s a little bit dumb, but mark doesn’t know how to communicate any other way now. he almost yelled at jungwoo last week before remembering who he was talking to.

 

even while holding the lyric sheet in his hand, with his own words staring back at him, it doesn’t feel real.

he goes in first, stealing a glance towards donghyuck first to find him practicing his lines meticulously. this is his favorite part, not when he’s practicing for the sixth hour straight with the members, not when there are thousands of eyes looking up at him on stage. it’s when he’s all alone in that room, just him and the microphone. 

his body fills up with adrenaline as he records twelve different takes to get it just right, with the producer stepping in to shower him with compliments between each one.

“you seem extra pumped today, mark,” he chuckles. “i don’t think i have to guess why.”

donghyuck practically skips in when it’s his turn. 

he has been humming the song to himself in all the days leading up to the recording, and mark even overheard him enthusiastically talk to the other members about it a few times. he really took it into his heart and held it close, and it made mark feel like less anxious about it being out in the world.

that’s right. if donghyuck himself never finds out, what’s the issue? maybe yuta, taeyong, and johnny will tease him about it a few times, but that’s the extent of it.

it’s  _ their _ song now.

it plays out more like a story (and god knows mark loves coming up with those), about a young boy whose first love cast a blinding light into his life and overwhelming him, but then slowly dimming as he comes in terms with the fact that the person he’s in love with is imperfect and that they might not always get along, and in the end he concludes that they work best on as equals, two halves that balance each other’s flaws. shine together.

it’s apparently the type of love story that their management decided will have a mass appeal, and mark realizes that his experience with love might not be as unique as he originally thought it was.

they manage to wrap the session up in a couple of hours, all due to the extra enthusiasm that the two of them emanate. 

everyone leaves except for the two of them. “you guys wait here, i’ll be back in ten,” their manager says hurriedly before shutting the door behind him.

donghyuck grins in quiet satisfaction about his performance, like a cat that’s about to take a nap after a hearty meal. mark wants to scratch his chin and tell him he did a good job.

“hyung, you look kinda different,” he suddenly says, inching closer to inspect mark’s face.

“different how?”

donghyuck tilts his head. “dunno, it’s like i’m looking at a new person lately.”

“okay, weirdo.”

is it something that he tells himself to justify kissing mark? mark doesn’t want to know the answer that, and instead closes the space between them. donghyuck whines into his mouth cutely before collapsing his entire body’s weight onto him.

“this is the same face you made cry when we were in middle school,” he says when they break away for breath.

donghyuck rolls his eyes. “your knack for ruining the mood is really unmatched.”

“the same face you wanted to punch at dance practice a few weeks ago.”

“if you’re trying to get me to stop, it’s not working….” he whispers into his mouth.

“do i look like i want you to stop?”

but the sound of approaching footsteps forces them to break apart anyway. mark can’t imagine how the manager would react if he caught them. probably with a heart attack.

 

the last time they had an overseas schedule, donghyuck and mark were still fighting and avoided each other like the plague, but now they’re in this weird place inbetween and mark doesn’t know how to be around him with so many eyes on him all the time. he feels a little exposed.

“anybody has any special roommate requests?” taeyong asks right before they leave to the airport. “raise your hand now.”

“not donghyuck,” mark says, and everyone in the room laughs. he can’t make it obvious that he likes being roommates with him, otherwise they will start getting suspicious. 

“yeah, duh. i think you deserve a little break from each other,” doyoung says, patting mark’s back. he thinks he’s being kind. he has no idea.

mark remembers that one time where pictures of him looking mad at the airport spread like wildfire on the internet because he and donghyuck had a fight earlier. he still hasn’t been able to live that down. the fans could probably take zoomed in pictures of donghyuck’s face and somehow figure out that he and mark were making out earlier with their mysterious black magic.

he expects donghyuck to look mad, but he’s just smirking while typing something on his phone.

**[11:31:23AM] DONGHYUCK:** so you think you can keep your hands off me for an entire weekend?

**[11:31:50AM] MARK:** i should be saying this to you. i didn’t see you raising your hand.

**[11:32:10AM] DONGHYUCK:** whatever loser.

**[11:32:30AM] MARK:** alright dumbass.

 

mark is too used to it all, the flashing lights from the cameras and the deafening screams from every corner. he steps out of the van and forces a tight smile as he waves to the reporters and fans surrounding them.

he only takes two steps further before realizing that the screaming got a few pitches higher, enough for him to notice that it’s aimed at something specific. he turns around, and sure enough, donghyuck is clinging to his backpack and blinking at him innocently. 

are the hyungs seeing this? he panics, scanning everyone’s expressions, but they’re all either preoccupied with their luggage or waving at their fans.

he now understands the earlier text not as a taunt, but a challenge. mark’s not sure what donghyuck is trying to prove, but he’s taking it a step too far now. he can’t play their little game in public, not just because it puts their secret at risk but because, well, that’s theirs only. mark doesn’t want spectators.

he shakes him off, trying his best not to look distraught (better not have a repeat of the incident), and donghyuck pouts and clings into his arm instead. only then does johnny notice them and crack an amused smile before quickly moving on to continue the conversation he was having with taeyong.

“what’s gotten into you?” he hisses at him once they’ve made their way to the gate.

“i barely did anything out of the ordinary, but you’re completely freaking out,” donghyuck shrugs. 

“this really isn’t the place to do that kind of shit,” mark replies, feeling agitated by how little donghyuck seems to care.

“you failed the test!”

“i’m serious, donghyuck. stop.”

donghyuck’s face falls. his eyes are burning with anger, and it sparks something between them. mark hates it, how fighting with donghyuck makes his forehead sweat and his heart race. the brighter that spark the more he wants to shut him up…..exclusively with his mouth.

“you’re a fucking idiot,” donghyuck later spits out at him while they’re cramped in the airplane bathroom. “how is following me to the bathroom less obvious than innocently gripping into you at the airport?”

mark admits that he lost his better judgement when he saw a chance to be alone with him, even for five minutes. but in his defense, he doesn’t know when the next opportunity to get his hands on donghyuck will be.

“if you want a rational explanation for anything i do to you, you’re not going to get it.” he pins donghyuck against the door and kisses him deeply.

donghyuck throws his arms around his shoulder. “fair enough.”

 

his mantra for the rest of the weekend is  _ try not to make it obvious. _

or, if he was being more honest with himself (and he never is),  _ stop making it so goddamn obvious. _

five hours later they’re on stage rehearsing for the special taipei episode of music bank, having come straight from the airport. mark tries to focus, but donghyuck steals glances at him constantly, and he feels agitated. it’s frustrating how he can’t do anything about it, how he can’t just go back to their dorm and do something about it.

“mark, did you hear me? you’re supposed to turn around,” a staff member calls out, and he realizes that he’s been absentmindedly staring at donghyuck’s back in front of him for the past ten minutes. he bows in apology and turns, ignoring the sinister sound of donghyuck chuckling behind him.

he needs to focus.

 

“i know it hasn’t been easy for you, and i’m sorry,” taeyong tells mark as he runs his hand through his hair. he’s his designated roommate for this trip, chosen by a game of rock scissor paper. “i couldn’t do anything about it.”

mark doesn’t know how to respond to that, because he’s been coping just fine. if anything, he forgot that he asked him for help in the first place. he remembers their little spat earlier, and realizes that he can’t say that they’re on good terms now. 

and he doesn’t want to be forced to stop rooming with donghyuck.

“hyung, stop worrying about me,” he brushes him off as gently as he could. “it’s not as bad as i thought it was going to be. i was just being overly sensitive.”

taeyong is confused. “you never complain about anything though. that was the first time i heard you sound so distressed over a schedule.”

mark shakes his head. “i was just overwhelmed by how this album was going to turn out but now i’m happy….and excited.”

he tells himself that that’s a total lie, but deep inside he knows that he means every word.

taeyong smiles in relief, he looks like he’s been worrying about this for days. he pats mark’s shoulder awkwardly, his hand lingering before he decides to go in for a hug. mark holds him tight, wishing he could tell him everything. 

but he can’t, because he’s going to get an hour long lecture about how wrong it all is.

“i love you,” taeyong says instead of good night.

“love you too, hyung.”

he gets a message from donghyuck asking him to come over because taeil had gone to the gym.

mark decides to ignore it.

 

donghyuck plops down on the seat facing him at breakfast the next morning. mark opens his mouth to say something, but then shuts it tight because he knows where the conversation will be heading if he does.

“you were being kind of a dick, you know,” donghyuck talks first anyway. “at least remove the read receipts so i can’t tell if you’re asleep or just ignoring me.”

mark is amazed that donghyuck thinks he even knows how to do that. “too obvious!”

“it was late and taeil hyung was gone for two whole hours, but whatever.” he stuffs his mouth with food violently. 

mark takes his time to really get to the bottom of the reason why donghyuck is actually upset, and then he has a brilliant epiphany. “wait, are you upset that i didn’t succumb to you like you were expecting me to?”

donghyuck stops mid-bite. caught red handed. “eating breakfast together is also obvious, but you didn’t say anything about it! hah!” he tries to change the subject.

“oh my god, you’re a fucking baby.”

“no, i’m full,” donghyuck declares before stomping off, leaving mark in a daze. that boy will be the death of him one day, the only question is what exactly will be the final blow, the kissing or the fights or the constant yearning for each other.

 

it’s always hard to find a place that the ten of them could squish together into so they could all fit into frame to start a backstage vlive. they finally find a sofa big enough so that five could sit down while the others stand behind them. mark tries to take a seat in the middle but is instructed by one of the managers to go to the back instead. where donghyuck is readily waiting with a smirk.

“we’re sorry to keep you guys waiting,” mark recites the rehearsed speech he was putting together in his mind during the concert. “we miss you all too an- haechan, please stop!”

donghyuck’s attempts to land a kiss on his cheek only get more aggressive the more he tries to brush them off. he’s normally good at completely shutting the skinship out, both mentally and physically, but that was before they….

anyway, how can donghyuck keep doing these things knowing that it’s hard for mark not to reciprocate on reflex. is the risk really that thrilling?

“mark stop rejecting haechan’s advances,” jungwoo reads one of the comments. it’s one that they get every single time they turn on the goddamn camera, but they’ve always ignored it. mark wants to die, this is the worst time to actually acknowledge it.

taeyong doesn’t show any reaction, but johnny and yuta exchange knowing smiles. their reaction only fans the flames.

“well, mark are you going to answer the question?” jungwoo asks. they can’t just ignore it now that it’s out there. mark really wants to start an actual fight with jungwoo now.

mark scrambles for an answer, but all he can muster is images of donghyuck breathing heavily against his mouth. “t-that’s because it’s haechan!”

“hyung, what does that even mean?” donghyuck rolls his eyes, but mark can see a hint of that annoying satisfied smile on his face, like he got the answer he wanted. donghyuck is special. donghyuck’s hands on him are different than everybody else’s.

he grabs mark’s arm and holds it tight, and mark sighs and leans into it, signalling defeat.

 

“what were you even trying to do?” mark finally asks when everyone has left the room. his impatience for answers gets the best of him. “this entire weekend.”

donghyuck ponders for a while before answering. “i don’t know, but spending time with you, getting a rise of you, i like it.”

his best friend never knows to keep his thoughts to himself, and it always catches mark off guard. “over five years, and you discover this now?”

donghyuck shakes his head. “that’s not what i mean. it’s different now. more….fun.”

“it’s not the same for sure….” mark doesn’t really know where he’s going with this. he’s not sure he wants to know. he thinks back to his old rules.  _ no talking _ .

“ugh, i don’t know what i’m saying either, just forget about it.” he shakes his head, his cheeks turning pink.

mark presses on them with his fingers, like he can rub the embarrassment away. “it’s fine,” he tries to comfort him. it would sure help if he actually understood what donghyuck was rambling about.

thankfully, donghyuck does stop talking and tiptoes up for a kiss, a  _ forget this ever happened _ kiss, when-

“oh, there you guys are,” doyoung comes back into the room unexpectedly. “everyone’s already in the car.”

mark rubs his hands on the front of his shirt, like he had just burnt himself. “i-i-uh, donghyuck had some rice stuck on his face!”

doyoung frowns. he hasn’t noticed that they were doing anything. “huh? hurry up, or we’re leaving without you.”

 

all the days without donghyuck around feel twice as long.

a month ago, this exact time was the vacation from donghyuck that he was looking forward to. now he spends donghyuck’s dream schedules staring at the wall, thinking up imaginary fights for when he gets back, but donghyuck is always so worn out after all the extra hours at dance practice that he falls asleep as soon as his face hits the pillow.

mark wants to do the same thing that donghyuck does to him, relieve his stress, melt away all his worries for a few minutes. he knows now that he brings donghyuck some sort of strange and maybe sinister joy, but does it go anywhere beyond that? he’s not really sure.

having nothing to do while almost everyone does in their respective units is still a wild concept to him, and he wanders the company building aimlessly, searching for someone to bother, maybe start a fight with. that will make him feel alive again.

“what are you guys doing?” mark asks as he sits at the cafe with a very suspicious looking ten and jaemin. his eyes might be tricking him, but he thought he saw folded bills being exchanged between them.

“adult stuff mark,” ten replies, waving him away. “please go play with children your age.” which leads him to-

“personally, i think it’s better to be consistent with the theme from last year and go as another avenger, but chenle saying i should be the hulk was so mean? i don’t think he meant it as a compliment.”

mark is nodding at yukhei, barely listening. his rambling provides some much needed comfort, a way to fill the silence. “well?” yukhei prods on.

oh, he’s supposed to give advice. “you’re literally like a real life superhero to chenle, he most definitely meant it as a compliment.”

yukhei seems to like this answer. his pure trust for mark’s judgement is endearing. “i think you should do that toothpaste and toothbrush thing with what’s his name-”

“oh, donghyuck?” mark perks up at the opportunity to talk about him.

yukhei stalls for a second, trying to remember who that is. “ah, yeah! him. your boyfriend, right?”

mark freezes up. “what did you just say?”

“your….boyfriend?” he repeats the word in english for clarity.

yukhei can never remember donghyuck’s real name but has picked up on the fact that there is something going on between them. alright. okay.

“n-not boyfriend,” mark clears his throat. “we’re more like….two people who kiss each other occasionally.” very often.

“if you say so.” he doesn’t sound entirely convinced.

“how did you find out though?” it’s not like their paths intersect very often, what with his unit constantly going back and forth between china and korea.

“you guys weren’t exactly discreet, i wasn’t even aware that this wasn’t common knowledge until this very moment.”

mark wants to scream. finally,  _ finally _ someone in this group has a pair of functioning eyes. “thank you!” he yells, and then bites his bottom lip when yukhei looks at him like he just grew a second head.

“yeah like, you were always going on these,” he makes air quotes. “‘bathroom breaks’ at the same time during group meetings. that’s amature stuff.”

mark is almost embarrassed by his obvious (but at least mutual) neediness for donghyuck all the time, but is comforted by the fact that only one person seems to have noticed.

“can i ask you something?” he suddenly realizes that he has yukhei cornered and alone. “are you and renjun dating?”

yukhei smiles at the mention of renjun’s name, and then covers his mouth with his hand shyly. “did he tell you? what did he say?”

“i, uh, oh my god.” it’s not even a secret. 

all of these idiots literally could have just asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading ♡♡♡
> 
> please let me know what you think here or on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/puppylove) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/demonyukhei)!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand we're almost at the end....

“....hyung, what do you think?”

donghyuck shakes mark’s arm, startling him. “huh, what?”

donghyuck pouts. “you’re not already snoozing off, are you? the plane hasn’t even taken off yet!”

it’s been around two weeks since yukhei found out about what happened. the good news is that yukhei isn’t known to blab (how else would he keep his own relationship under wraps for so long?), and hasn’t told anyone, not even renjun. the bad news is that he refuses to believe that there are no feelings attached whatsoever. every time he and mark are in the same room, he starts to give him a vague speech about listening to his heart and staying true himself. he is as kind and understanding as he is persistent, and mark is grateful for the short break he’s been given away from him.

“give me a break, we had practice all morning,” he whines, sinking further into his seat. he and donghyuck are off to japan alone to shoot the shine together music video.

just him and donghyuck. for three nights.

“fine, don’t listen to me when i’m trying to have a conversation with you,” donghyuck mutters and takes out his phone. 

mark sighs and rolls over to face him. “i’m sorry, what were you saying?”

he doesn’t miss the tiny hint of a smile twitching at the corners of his lips. he always gets his way. “i was saying that, i just keep thinking about the song lyrics….there’s something about them….”

mark sits up, the rate of his heartbeat shooting up. “why are you bringing this up now?” it’s been a whole month since they recorded the song. that’s almost two whole months of making out with donghyuck. huh.

donghyuck stares at him. “why are you acting defensive?”

mark tries to wipe the panic off his face. “i’m not defensive,” he lies, hoping that donghyuck’s superpower of detecting all his emotions won’t work today. “just confused? and sleepy.”

“right,” he’s still squinting at him suspiciously. “they just sound kinda familiar, the more i think about them, but i just can’t place exactly where.”

okay, his powers are subdued today, as are his deduction skills, thankfully. mark is grateful he didn’t write a song about someone smarter instead.

“so what are you asking?” he asks as casually as he possibly can.

“were you inspired by a movie or something? or maybe a book?” donghyuck is deep in thought, like the right answer is right at the tip of his tongue.

mark thinks about how he’s going to spin this for a second before waving him off with a laugh. “what the hell are you talking about? it’s based on nothing. i was just fifteen and going through a lot of emotions thanks to puberty. it was pretty embarrassing, to be honest,” he answers truthfully.

donghyuck is still staring at him, as if trying to detect anything that sounds like a lie, and mark maintains the eye contact as long as he can. then, he finally blinks and says, “fine. go on with your nap then.”

mark tries to sleep, but all he can think about is how donghyuck’s attitude towards him lying about the origins of the song changed. he told him never to bring it up until he’s willing to tell him the truth (which will never happen), but now he’s mellowed out and joking about it coming from a movie. maybe it’s just that the, uh, thing that brought them closer is helping mend old grudges.

he tries really hard to brush away the feeling that something is seriously off.

 

“it’s been so long,” donghyuck talks to the the drink in his hand. “far too long.”

since he became an adult in january, mark and donghyuck have seldom gone out drinking together, and never alone. but when he stepped foot into another country, mark suddenly felt bold enough to ask if he and donghyuck could wander off instead of staying at the hotel. to his surprise, their manager was very open to the idea. “i need a night off from the two of you, you’re actually doing me a favor.”

there’s no one else. no one can judge them. no one has to know.

“and you’re totally welcome,” mark replies. donghyuck drops his head into his shoulder, already feeling tipsy.

it’s a small but busy place, and combined with the dim lighting that made it hard to even make out the faces of the people around them, it feels like they’re in their own bubble that’s separated from real space and time.

“have you noticed how we haven’t had a single fight today?” he asks. oh. that’s true. they could have easily escalated their conversation on the airplane earlier but instead they both just….let it go.

things have been changing, albeit at a snail pace. most of the time mark just doesn't want to fight, he wants to close his eyes and leans into donghyuck’s warmth and forget about all his problems.

“i’m tired of being angry at you, donghyuck.”

he remembers what donghyuck said that time, about enjoying spending time with him. he should have said it then, but he feels the exact same way. if only every night could be spent with him just like this.

their rooming situation is supposed to be temporary, only until they finish working on this song. and what happens after that?

“so am i, hyung.”

he takes his hand from under the table and holds it tight, and mark feels a delicious rush as he intertwines their fingers together. he’s taken aback at his own reaction to the simple gesture, and then blames it on the alcohol.

but lately, it’s not just the kissing, mark feels comforted by donghyuck holding his hand, donghyuck smiling slyly at him when he thinks nobody else is looking, that hungry look in his eyes in the split second before they clash together. it doesn’t matter what they’re doing, he just likes him being there.

donghyuck looks up at him, and then whispers, “you don’t mind, right?” he whispers against his lips.

mark shakes his head, and donghyuck kisses him shyly, only for a second. a light peck. “feels good.”

“you’re a weird exhibitionist,” mark laughs. 

donghyuck doesn’t care, only holds him tighter. “that’s not it. i just wish i could kiss you wherever i want, whenever.”

he imagines donghyuck going up to him on stage, filling up all his senses and taking him to the same place where they are now. shivers.

“but hiding is part of what makes it exciting, isn’t it? kinda sexy, i think.”  _ i want it to be something that’s exclusively ours. _

“if that’s how you want to rationalize it,” donghyuck replies, unsatisfied with his answer.

mark wishes he could say something that would make him happier, and he feels frustrated that donghyuck doesn’t understand his intentions. maybe it’s the fact that he wasn’t the one who initiated contact that first time, but it’s like he holds some sort of power over the relationship and is the one that could (or should?) end it whenever he wants. mark absolutely hates it, he wants to sit donghyuck down sometimes and explain that they’re on completely equal grounds. because he’s the one who pulled him back in the second time instead of pushing him away. he’s just as desperate.

not like they’re ever going to actually talk it out, though.

“i mean it, i don’t want to share,” he explains again, looking him directly in the eyes.

donghyuck gulps. “i-if you say so.” he sounds a lot less sure of himself this time around.

 

they’re kissing in front of mark’s hotel room an hour later. the hallway is completely empty, not that it matters because even if they get caught, it would be by their own staff who occupy all the surrounding rooms.

mark is drunk, but not nearly drunk enough to be doing something as stupid as this. but how is he supposed to resist? and donghyuck feels warmer and heavier in his arms than usual, a bit stinkier too but the latter he’s already accustomed to. he’s almost embarrassed by his lack of restraint.

donghyuck is panting into his mouth, and emits the tiniest murmurs that mark first thinks is gibberish, but then registers as actual words. he pulls away.

“i was saying, took you two whole months of kissing me to take me out on a date,” donghyuck giggles at his own joke. “our first date,” he says it again, testing how it feels in his mouth.

“call it whatever you want for now.” the word date makes him squirm for some reason, and he feels stupid for even caring so much. it's obviously just a drunken joke that donghyuck won't remember the next morning.

“so are you going to keep blocking that door or what?”

mark turns back to make sure he’s not missing anything. “the, uh, you mean the door to my own room?”

“yes, or are you really not going to invite me in tonight?” donghyuck asks impatiently. he’s a lot whinier and needier drunk. mark can’t say that he dislikes it. “after you rejected my invite that time?”

he’s still mad about that? unbelievable. mark squeezes his cheeks. “you are such a baby.” he says that to him a lot, but it’s not meant to be an insult this time. something else.

“yes i am. now make it up to me, hyung.” donghyuck pulls on the front of mark’s jacket, and even stomps lightly for extra effect. he knows how easy mark is.

mark takes his hand and leads him in.

donghyuck stands at the entrance in a daze for a minute before dropping his coat into the floor. then he starts to take off his sweater too.

“what the hell are you doing?” mark squeaks, snapping out of his drunken haze. that’s not what he signed up for when he let him in. not that he actually gave this any thought besides  _ donghyuck whiny, donghyuck cute _ .

he’s met with a confused stare in return. “i don’t want to walk all the way back to my room for a change of clothes,” he invites himself to mark’s luggage. “i’ve already worn half of the stuff in your closet anyway, before you try to protest.”

that was part of the reason switching roommates at their dorm was so easy. everything that mark has ever owned has been used and abused by donghyuck. he watches helplessly as donghyuck tries to decide between his two favorite old t-shirts.

“yellow,” mark says when he just can’t make up his mind. “suits you best.”

donghyuck grins. “because i’m your sun?”

mark rolls his eyes. “don’t push it.”

he faces the opposite direction while donghyuck dresses and hears him scoffs behind him. they’ve changed in front of each other a million times, but he just feels weird and self conscious about it now. 

when he turns around, donghyuck is only inches away from him, and the rate of his heartbeat skyrockets.

mark closes his eyes and braces himself for a kiss, but then he’s pushed down into the bed like a ragdoll. donghyuck climbs on top, and that’s when he kisses him.

he’s breathless at first, still processing the fall, but then quickly regains his senses and instinctively reaches for his favorite spot: donghyuck’s nape. 

it’s hard to focus on what he usually does, though, because their position is different than what he’s used to, and the feeling of donghyuck’s bare thighs between his legs make him feel like he’s really about to get knocked out this time. 

donghyuck is aggressive, pinning mark down by pressing his entire weight into him. he’s soft and a little sweaty but at least he smells like fresh laundry now, and god his skin is burning hot. mark pushes himself back into the bed and lets their legs tangle further in the process. 

he doesn’t mind the stench of alcohol in donghyuck’s breath, because every other part of him is overpowering mark, and he feels like he’s drowning. 

“what are we doing?” mark asks, panting, hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.

donghyuck brushes a few strands away. “what do you think we’re doing?” his tone is playful, teasing, but there is a hint of uncertainty. he’s realizing that he and mark might not be on the same page. 

he keeps pushing their barely existing boundaries tonight.

“i’m not sure, donghyuck, but,” he presses on his nape softly, and donghyuck exhales hot breaths onto his face. “we’re drunk.  _ you’re _ drunk.”

donghyuck just looks at him, frustrated and pouty and all cute, but then kisses him again. “you’re trying to take care of me even when i’m attacking you like a feral animal. ugh that’s- that’s what-”

“what exactly?” he’s terrified of the answer.

“what i hate about you the most.”

so they’re  _ still _ playing this game, even now. “you’re surprisingly understanding tonight.”  _ maybe i’ll reward you for patience _ , a stupid part of mark’s brain whispers for him to say, but he squashes it down.

“there isn’t a part of you that i can’t feel right now, hyung,” donghyuck looks down at mark’s jeans. “i know how….hard this must be for you.”

mark’s entire body heats up, and not only because he was making out with the literal sun. “making jokes about it doesn’t exactly help now, does it? get off me before i kick you out.”

there it is again, that satisfied grin on donghyuck’s stupid handsome smug face. he doesn’t say anything but mark knows what he’s thinking.  _ i own you. _

mark is still pretty dizzy, he falls right into donghyuck’s arms when he tries to stand on his feet. donghyuck takes the opportunity to suffocate him in a hug. “you’re so cute, especially when you’re embarrassed by how much i turn you on.”

still extremely drunk. mark definitely made the right call.

he can’t even make fun of how overly confident donghyuck is being, especially when the evidence could be clearly felt through his pants.

the lights are off, mark changes, and they’re both under the covers. they keep a small distance between them, until mark manages to, er, calm down.

“do you remember the last time we shared a bed?” donghyuck asks, eyes threatening to flutter close at any moment.

mark thinks about the question for a long time. when you share so many years of history with someone your firsts and lasts start to blur together. he remembers the first time donghyuck smiled at him, the first time they performed together, their last night as trainees. big milestones like that. but sharing a bed? that would have to be….

“in 2015,” he finally finds the answer. “you were being a  _ baby _ agai-”

“stop calling me a baby,” donghyuck protests. he’s too sleepy to smack mark over the head.

“baby,” mark replies firmly, smiling. donghyuck looks away.

he remembers this particular memory because it fell under the time period when he was still in love with donghyuck. of course he didn’t have to deal with the same present….problem, but it was still thrilling in its own way.

it was the only time mark could actually let his feelings show. his tone was gentle as he told donghyuck stupid anecdotes about the other members to get him to laugh and make him forget why he was feeling upset in the first place. he stroked the back of donghyuck’s neck until his body finally willed itself to relax. that was actually how he discovered it was his favorite spot.

sometimes he wonders if donghyuck ever noticed.

“just because i couldn’t fall asleep alone after one movie night….” donghyuck is grumbling to himself. “i’m not a baby.”

“it’s funny that you bring this up now, though,” mark says. he’s been reminiscing about that time a lot lately.

“why exactly?”

“n-no reason. it’s just weird. i haven’t thought about it in a long time,” he lies easily. with the hectic idol life taking up mark’s entire headspace, it’s hard to remember all the quiet moments they shared when they were just two kids who grew attached to each other.

“and….hyung?”

“yeah?”

“the thing you said at the bar, about not wanting to stay mad anymore. you meant that, right?”

“every word,” mark confirms. maybe it’s going to be weird, going back to not being openly hostile to each other, and it most definitely won’t be the same as they were before the fight, but he doesn’t really care. he’s just happy he can finally breathe around his best friend again.

donghyuck smiles in return and finally lets his heavy lids close, giving in to sleep.

 

mark still can’t believe his eyes the next morning.

the buzzing of his phone’s alarm isn’t what wakes him up, it’s the small pool of drool that formed on his neck, courtesy of lee donghyuck. sometime while they were asleep, they closed that tiny distance and now they were smushed against each other with both of mark’s arms wrapped around donghyuck. they attracted each other like magnets, even while unconscious.

the worst part is that he can’t get himself to move away from donghyuck and turn the damn thing off. 

“hyung, please, my head is about to blow up,” donghyuck suddenly mumbles, eyes still closed. 

mark groans and blindly fishes for his phone on the bedside table. they don’t have to be up for another forty five minutes. he silently thanks himself for setting absurdly early alarms.

“good morning,” donghyuck says, looking a lot more serene now that the noise is gone.

“did you sleep okay?” mark whispers as he strokes his hair. he knows the answer is yes because he’s familiar with the wrath of cranky sleep deprived donghyuck, and he’s definitely not here this morning.

“nah, stayed up all night watching your stupid face.”

mark squints at him. “i thought we were playing nice now.”

“this is my version of nice.” he kisses mark softly before he could argue.

“then i’ll allow it.”

donghyuck hums happily and buries his face back into mark’s neck, not minding the stickiness. “we should have started sleeping together sooner.”

mark stiffens. “i- um, uh-”

“i meant that in the literal sense. hyung, can you please relax?” 

his first instinct is to change the subject, but then he remembers the regrets he was having last night. mark doesn’t want to keep wondering what would happen if he said the right things at the right time. he wants donghyuck to hear it all.

“i’m sorry,” he sighs. “and yesterday was amazing, and i wish we did this earlier too.” so much wasted time on tearing down each other instead.

they spend the next few minutes making out, soaking up the thin rays of sunlight and each other, until mark’s second alarm goes off.

right. they need to get to work soon. “you should probably go back to your room before everyone else wakes up.”

donghyuck’s eyes widen, and then he looks down at the mark shirt he’s wearing. “oh, fuck.”

 

the concept for shine together is a lot more  _ them _ .

“nice!” the director yells. “let’s try it again. mark throw your arm around donghyuck or something, make it look more natural.”

mark and donghyuck smile at each other. they’re playing the roles of two childhood best friends and neighbors who are spending their final year in high school together before they move away to study in different colleges. it sounds pretty similar to their actual life, except mark is stuck with  _ his _ best friend for the rest of his career. 

it’s a nice day out, and they’ve been filming in the same old house all morning. walking to school, playing video games in the living room, studying in what is supposed to be mark’s room.

and it’s easy to forget and picture an alternative universe where things are much simpler. that would be a universe where he confesses his feelings to donghyuck instead of burying them so deep that they don’t exist anymore, where they’re not so stressed all the time that they take it out on each other, where he could kiss him whenever, wherever, just like he wants.

mark likes it here.

“you know, i heard that a girl was supposed to be paired with mark,” their makeup artist says as she retouches the concealer under mark’s eyes. “i guess they decided that your chemistry together was overpowering.”

donghyuck takes a long sip from the warm coffee his manager just put in his hands. “so what you’re saying is….in the end i was the one who won mark hyung’s heart?”

“it’s not that kind of video, kid.”

 

they wait until late into the sunset to shoot the climax of the video, and they’re sitting on the roof, having what is supposed to be a heart to heart about their future. their last night together. 

another difference between them and their characters, mark thinks, they actually talk about their feelings. completely unrealistic.

“remember, just talk about anything and make it sound like you’re having a good time, okay? and action!”

donghyuck immediately grabs mark’s hand and starts chattering. he’s smiling for the cameras but his voice is trembling a little bit.

“hyung, i need to tell you the truth.”

mark forces out a laugh. “what the hell are you talking about?”

he thinks about everything that happened yesterday. the questions about the song and the date and what they almost did. that one day of bliss was definitely too good to be true, and he had a feeling it will all come crashing down right at this moment.

“first, promise that you won’t get mad. i mean, you can’t when we’re being filmed but promise.” he offers his pinky finger.

mark takes it. “i promise.”

“and cut! that was perfect, let’s all take five.”

the filming crew scatters around them, but they stay in place.

“donghyuck, what’s going on?” mark asks when he hesitates to talk.

“a few days ago, taeyong hyung asked me to clean around the room because it was turning into a mess, and i found a box filled with your old stuff. doyoung hyung must have been waiting for an opportunity to throw it out an-”

mark’s heart races even before he learns what it is that donghyuck found. that box was filled with his old journals, only the ones he used pre-debut. “just tell me what you found”

“i thought it would be funny to read some of them and tease you about it later. stupid, i know. but then i….i learned all about shine together.”

mark is about to yell at him, but donghyuck wiggles his pinky in his face, and he bites his lips and listens. the anxiety is eating at him, and he feels like he’s about to pass out.

“when i read all that stuff about how much you liked me….i’ve never felt happier in my life. it’s like everything finally clicked in my mind. why i kissed you and why i adore shine together and why i’m always trying to get your attention. i guess i was scared of the repercussions of falling into one-sided love with someone that i have to live with and see every single day, but it’s all clear to me now.” he sucks in a deep breath, still trembling. he’s not trying to maintain the on-camera smile anymore. “i feel kind of guilty for not saying anything, but i wanted to test the waters, i wanted to know whether this was the right, and when i woke up this morning in your bed? i was certain that it was.”

there it was, the same awful feeling at the pit of his stomach when donghyuck said the word  _ date _ . mark hates himself for reacting this way, he hates how confused and lost he feels at the moment.

there is a gleam of hope in donghyuck’s eyes. “but it’s all fine now, because you do like me back after all. we’re boyfriends now. right, hyung?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the setting of the mv is based on around you by hyunjin!!! the storyline is a reference to my other fic lmao (if you're reading both i love you forever)
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and please let me know what you think ♡♡♡
> 
> i'm also on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/puppylove) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/demonyukhei)!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks rian the loml for beta-ing and constantly encouraging me while writing this fic 💚

if donghyuck didn’t have morals, he would be rolling in cash right now.

it’s as clear as day that renjun has a boyfriend. he can’t make a judgement about yukhei, he’s barely had more than two conversations with the guy. but renjun is one of his best friends and he’s laughably easy to read.

okay, fine, it’s not morals. it’s just too easy that he can’t get himself to care. now if the members were betting on whether or not hendery was a serial killer….that would be a lot more interesting.

he’s about to say as much to yuta and taeil, who won’t shut up about this long enough for him to hear what’s going on in the drama playing on their tv when taeyong pokes his head out his room.

“lee donghyuck,” he calls sternly, in that tone that makes him feel like he’s in trouble. “what did i ask you to do two whole days ago?”

donghyuck sighs and spreads his limbs across the couch, refusing to move. “but mark hyung isn’t here.”

“yeah, lucky for you,” yuta scoffs. “it’s gonna be easier for you to get it over with without you two trying to choke each other.”

he wants to protest, but it’s him versus everyone else in the room, and although the older members would never literally _punish_ him for not listening to them, they’re more than capable of nagging his ears off.

“fine,” he says in a sad little voice, an unsuccessful attempt at garnering sympathy, before dragging his feet to his and mark’s shared room.

taeyong had asked him to clean up the clutter that had accumulated since the two of them started living together again, mainly the piles of clothes building up at every corner. it’s become such a mess that taeil hyung refuses to cuddle with him anymore. a real tragedy.

he internally hurls every swear he could think of at mark for not being there when they were supposed to clean up together. and also (to a much much much lesser extent) because he misses him and his pretty mouth.

donghyuck starts in the area around mark’s bed, not because he wants to “accidentally” sniff his clothes or anything like that at all, he just wants to get that part over with quickly.

the space under his bed is an ungodly disgusting mess that even donghyuck, the n city record holder of most days without taking a shower, is repulsed. there are half finished bags of chips, a pair of boxers, and the 3ds that donghyuck thought he lost a couple of months back. and in the middle of all that, there is a small cardboard box.

it has _property of mark lee. DO NOT OPEN UNLESS YOU’RE MARK LEE._ written on it in bold letters.

so naturally, he opens it.

donghyuck smiles to himself when he sees the so-called top secret contents. there are old tickets, small trinkets, and a pile of old notebooks that he used for journaling. that sentimental dork.

mark doesn’t journal as much anymore, and when he does it’s by typing rapidly into his phone into the wee hours of the night. donghyuck can see the words reflected on his round glasses sometimes.

he picks up the small black moleskine on top of the pile. it has a label at the far right corner that says 2015.

donghyuck flips to a random page, and his heart almost stops when he spots his name.

 

**february twelve two thousand and fifteen.**

_i really think that donghyuck knows sometimes._

_he’s teasing me a lot. we had the day off today, but i wanted to get in some extra practice because i don’t think i’ve gotten the choreo we’re working on down perfectly yet._

_i was all dressed and ready to head over there, but then he stopped me and said that i’m going to spend the day with him instead of braving the cold. not asked,_ told _. when i tried to argue he said that he knew i’d rather have a stay-in movie date with him than practicing alone, so there is no use in lying. in that cheeky voice that should be annoying but i just find infuriatingly cute._

_the jokes get on my nerves sometimes, it hurts to hear him say that when i so badly want it to be real. but now that i think about it….donghyuck wouldn’t try to hurt me like that if he actually knew. he cares too much. loves me too much._

_just not like i wish he did._

 

donghyuck reads the contents once, twice, trying to see if he misinterpreted it, hoping desperately that he didn’t. and when he’s finally sure, he shakily flips to a few pages later.

 

**may sixteen two thousand and fifteen.**

_it’s four in the morning and i can’t sleep, so i present to you a list of all of my favorite things._

_i like the feeling of donghyuck’s hands around mine, i like the constellation of moles scattered across his face and neck, i like his fluffy curly hair, i like when he tries to be cute and talks in that annoying high pitched voice, i like how he says my name, i like how he likes me._

_okay, getting sleepy now. good night._

 

the lyrics to shine together were scribbled on the next page, they remained the same, save for a few words changed here and there. more importantly, it had a different title.

_for lee donghyuck._

that’s when he realizes something. most of the stuff inside relate back to him somehow. tickets from the first movie they saw alone together. that trinket is a happy meal toy that donghyuck bought him one night. this very moleskine is a birthday present.

the scariest part is that he’s happy. mark’s pretty words, the song that he’s come to love so much….it exists because of him. mark has been in love with him all along, and donghyuck can finally admit to himself that he is too.

he hears mark shut the front door of their dorm behind him with a loud thud, and he shoves the box back into the darkness.

 

\---------------------------------------

 

mark feels like he’s going to be sick.

they’re on the drive back to the dorm, having wrapped up filming just this morning. and donghyuck is not speaking to him. there are several levels to donghyuck’s anger and mark has (unfortunately) witnessed all of them. complete silence is the highest by far.

because apparently, responding to a grand love confession with “i need to take a step back and think about this,” is not the right thing to say.

the shattered look on donghyuck’s face made mark feel like he got stabbed in the chest, and what he said next twisted the dagger further. “it’s a yes or no question, and i think i’ve already got your answer.”

he slept in his own room the next night.

mark had vowed to express all his feelings honestly from now on, but the problem was that he didn’t know _how_ he felt. the biggest question on his mind is this: are they really fit to be together?

years of arguments and hurt feelings and now kisses added in the mix too, there was too much baggage and it’s not as simple as a dumb teenage crush like it was years ago. things were easier when they didn’t put labels on anything they did, when donghyuck was just his best friend who he kissed a lot. they existed in a convenient limbo where mark could finally, finally shut his brain off and not overthink. but then donghyuck opened his mouth and forced him to start feeling conscious of his actions. he’s not a fan.

above all, he hates that his uncertainty hurt donghyuck. he’s been shouldering so much guilt for the past two days that he feels like he can’t breathe. he just wishes he could be back in their room so they could sit and have a long talk about this. he wants to untangle their relationship and ask donghyuck if this is the right next step for the two of them, if only he’d let him.

 

“welcome home!” the older members yell in unison when they walk in. donghyuck stare at them and starts to slowly close the door again, but johnny drags him inside.

“you guys are being so weird,” he says, confused at their enthusiasm. “what the fuck did you do while we were away?”

“tell him, tell him!” jaehyun nudges doyoung, who glares at him until he stops.

doyoung clears his throat. “you guys worked so hard on your unit song….”

“johnny hyung cried when he listened to shine together for the first time!” jaehyun interrupts.

“hey!” johnny is betrayed. “you promised not to tell anyone!”

“as i was saying,” doyoung continues, losing his patience. “we’re all really proud of you, and as a reward, we changed the rooming arrangement back to normal.”

mark can’t even will himself to pretend to look happy. how is he ever going to get the chance to try and mend things with donghyuck again? and the room…. _their_ room, they’ve had so many special memories there that he isn’t ready to part with just yet. everything’s ruined.

“aw, they’re totally speechless….it’s okay kiddos, you can thank us later,” taeil says, patting mark’s back.

“you better thank us, i was in charge of cleaning after your shit,” jungwoo scoffs.

donghyuck doesn’t say a word to any of them, choosing to slam the door of his room instead.

“well, that’s not a fun way to express your excitement.”

 

“i don’t think i understand,” yukhei says after mark explains the situation to him for the third time.

“which part don’t you understand, xuxi?” he sighs. “and why is he here?”

xiaojun looks offended. “why can’t i be here?”

maybe mark is stupid for assuming that he wasn’t going to run into the other wayv members while visiting yukhei in his dorm the next morning, especially not the ones he barely knows.

“hey, i wasn’t talking to you. who else did you tell?”

yukhei and xiaojun share a look that tells him everything he needs to know. “do you want the real answer or the answer you want to hear?”

so kun, ten, hendery, sicheng, and definitely renjun. not yangyang or chenle because those two don’t know when to keep their fucking mouths shut. “i can’t believe this, i thought i could trust you. i even stayed quiet about the whole you and renjun thing. do you understand how hard that was?”

“uh, i never asked you to do that. i don’t know why you guys act like it’s some big secret,” yukhei replies. “anyway, what i don’t understand is why you’re being such an idiot about this.”

“xuxi!” mark gasps, and xiaojun only nods, like he’s already made up his mind about this whole ordeal. why does xiaojun get to have opinions about his love life?

“let’s recap what’s happening. so you two make out all the time?”

mark glances at xiaojun, embarrassed. “yes….or at least we used to.”

“and you like spending time together?”

he nods. “we’ve said as much, yeah.”

“and he likes you?”

“yeah xuxi, where are you going with this?”

“and you like him back?”

“yea- i mean, uh.” damn, stepped right into that one.

xiaojun claps his hands, impressed. “nice work.”

“it’s not as simple as that,” mark says, flustered. he’s not yukhei. he can’t just decide to be someone’s boyfriend like it’s nothing, especially not when it’s someone he has a long and complicated history with.

“but why can’t it be? why are you standing in the way of your own happiness?”

“because he’s donghyuck. i used to hate him and then i was in love with him and then he turned into my best friend. we were so many things and none of them seemed to stick. our personalities clash constantly and i’m not young and stupid and ready to act purely on my feelings anymore, there is so much at stake. not just his feelings but our relationship for the rest of the time we’ll spend living together, and who knows how long that will be?”

he lets out a deep breath after saying all of that. it feels nice to get it all off his chest. that ugly mixture of guilt and dread and anxiety that has been brewing inside of him has only made him feel worse about the entire situation.

“sorry, why are you looking it that way?” xiaojun interjects. “what you’re saying is that you’ve gone through so much together, and you’re still close despite it all….how is that a bad thing?”

yukhei nods. “you guys love each other so much that you’ve looked past your differences countless times, always drawn back to each other no matter what. i wouldn’t survive a day of that, but you somehow survived five years.”

xiaojun laughs. “it really sounds like you two were made for each other.”

strong words coming from someone who hasn’t had a conversation with donghyuck before, mark thinks. still, he appreciates an outsider opinion. it was why it was easy for him to spill it all to yukhei instead of the 127 members in the first place.

“if it’s that easy, why won’t you just make it clear to everyone that you and renjun are dating?”

“psh, fine. if that’s what it takes to get you to stop being such a fucking coward,” yukhei shrugs. “and after i do, you also have to tell donghyuck that you’re still in love with him.”

mark scoffs. he’s doubtful that anything will actually happen, yukhei will probably just forget about this tomorrow.

 

unfortunately for him, tomorrow comes and yukhei remembers.

it’s the first day of practice for their full group song, and mark wants to die when he walks into the room and yukhei and xiaojun wink and wave at him in the least subtle way possible. renjun shoots them a confused glare, which means he doesn’t know what’s about to happen.

god have mercy on them both.

donghyuck is still not speaking or even looking at him, and the hyungs haven’t noticed the change because they’re all still arguing about the bet. frankly, mark is a little offended at how little attention they pay to him.

soon, all the members arrive and huddle together on the floor, much like that first meeting that fucking ruined everything. mark is getting nightmare flashbacks.

yukhei takes advantage of the ten minutes they still have before their dance instructor gets there. he runs to the front of the room and claps his massive hands together  to get their attention. “i have an announcement.”

“wong yukhei, if you don’t sit back down….” kun threatens with a sweet smile. yukhei ignores him.

“huang renjun! please come up here.”

the crowd gasps, chenle screeches, jaemin looks up at the ceiling and starts whispering a prayer. renjun hesitates before hopping awkwardly around everyone to stand next to his boyfriend.

yukhei opens his mouth, and leaves it gaping open for five painful seconds before deciding against whatever he was planning to say. instead he faces renjun, who takes a careful step back, grabs his shoulders, and leans down to plant a big kiss on his lips.

mark expects renjun to push him away, but renjun smiles into the kiss and grips on yukhei’s waist. like they’ve done this a hundred, a thousand times. it’s sweet and familiar, and it reminds him of-

“i knew it! i fucking knew it! in your fucking face lee jeno!” jaemin points at a shocked and horrified jeno.

they’re met with a mixture of cheering and confused screaming, really the standard noises that the employees have gotten familiar with every time all twenty one members gathered together. yuta is burying his face in his hands, ten nods knowingly while kun nearly passes out in his arms. sicheng is looking at his phone, completely uninterested in what’s going on. donghyuck only raises his eyebrows slightly, impressed.

when they break away, yukhei signals for mark to come up, and everyone’s attention turns to him instead. there is no way for him to get out of their agreement. he kicks himself for underestimating yukhei.

“are you okay?” taeyong whispers to him as he gets up. mark gulps and nods to him slightly.

halfway across the room, he spots his guitar lying conveniently on the couch. it was there since the time he and jeno were practicing an acoustic cover to upload on their channel. a light bulb turns on in his head and he goes back to grab it.

his heart is pounding in his chest with all the members staring at him in anticipation. this is the performance of his life.

“four years ago, i wrote a cheesy song about the boy i was in love with. fast forward to today. the song became a lead single on our new album and that boy is now my best friend in the world. he sings it more beautiful than i could have ever imagined, and the past few months made me realize that my feelings for him were not in the past tense. this is shine together.”

he closes his eyes, imagines that there is no one else in the room except for the two of them, and plays. he sings the old version, the one he scribbled on the margins of his old black moleskine line by line, for every memory and every smile that donghyuck has given him. it’s funny how, no matter how much mark tried to erase his feelings and pretend they weren’t there, they’d come back to haunt him again. like a predetermined fate that he couldn’t escape from. that was donghyuck.

and he finally made up his mind to stop running.

mark only notices the tears at the corner of his eyes when he opens them again.

“i spent all that time cleaning your fucking garbage for nothing?” jungwoo screams. next to him, johnny is crying again.

the rest of them stay quiet, awaiting donghyuck’s response.

he’s blushing. and he’s smiling.

“hyung, you’re so fucking embarrassing,” he says, biting his bottom his lip. mark has never seen him look so flustered before, not even during that time when they almost went all the way. he’s absolutely fucking adorable.

donghyuck runs over to him and drags him out of the practice room by the hand, forcing him to drop his guitar to the floor and wave awkwardly to their stunned audience.

and that’s how they end up in another bathroom. mark is starting to associate toilets with romance, and he’s not sure how to feel about that.

“what the hell was that all about?” donghyuck questions, letting go of his hand and crossing his arms. he’s putting his guard back up.

“look….i was wrong earlier. i was so stupid for hesitating and confusing you, you deserve better from me.”

donghyuck doesn’t budge. “that’s not exactly what i want to hear-”

“i was terrified!” mark blurts out.

“of what? what’s so scary about being my boyfriend? just come out and say it already.”

“i was scared of hurting you.”

donghyuck only falters for a second, but he keeps his distance. “isn’t it too late for that?”

mark exhales and runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “i’m sorry. i thought that being cautious was the better for both our sakes, that leaving our relationship without labels was the right thing to do because we can’t ruin something if there is nothing to ruin. instead i just ignored your feelings and continued to deny mine.”

he feels like none of his babbling is really penetrating the tall wall that donghyuck had erected between them. donghyuck isn’t about overcomplicated nonsense and talking so much to essentially say nothing.

 _it is that simple._ yukhei’s words ring true in his mind.

“i love you, and i never, ever stopped,” he cups donghyuck’s face in his hands. only two days, but the last time since they touched feels like eternity. “i want to turn back time, to go back to japan and give you the correct answer.”

“you finally did, idiot,” donghyuck whispers, smiling, and reaches up to kiss him.

it only lasts for a second, but it’s different from all the other times. it finally feels one hundred percent right.

“so are we boyfriends now?” mark asks, wiggling his eyebrows, and donghyuck punches his arm.

his expression turns serious again. “how do i know you won’t hesitate and start overthinking it all again?”

mark shakes his head. “you don’t, and i don’t either. but i do know that i’m not scared anymore. i just want to be with you now, and tomorrow, and for as long as you’ll love me back.”

donghyuck smiles. “that’s a long ass time.”

 

the way donghyuck giggles into their kisses never gets old.

“we’re going to be late,” he says but doesn’t try to move away from mark’s lap.

“doesn’t matter, i have more urgent matters to attend to,” mark replies, pressing his mouth into his neck. “like this.”

they were supposed to be ready five minutes ago, but once their eyes locked there was no way they could tear themselves away from each other. a year in and mark still feels like he can never have enough.

they only got their room back because doyoung claimed that he’d rather die than sleep in a room where the two of them did unspeakable things. a little bit dramatic coming from him, considering whatever the fuck is going on between him and jaehyun. mark suspects that’s the actual reason he made them switch.

“you’re taking advantage of the fact that no one dares barging into our room anymore,” donghyuck accuses. the noises coming from their room could either be them playing games together or something else entirely, with no way to distinguish the difference. yuta, taeyong, and taeil were all traumatized into learning how to knock.

“do you have a problem with that?” mark asks, leaning back in.

“god, you’re so annoying and clingy.” donghyuck always makes fun of him like he’s not the one attaching himself to mark at every opportunity. mark doesn’t mind the playful teasing, it reminds him of back when they were too stupid to talk about their feelings. but now—

“i love you.” he can’t say it enough.

“i love you too, hyung. and we really, really should get going before doyoung hyung starts banging on the door.”

they’re not perfect now, just like they never have been. mark still doesn’t care, because they’re still growing up together, still learning to love each other every single day.

and when donghyuck smiles and takes his hand before they step on the stage to perform shine together at their concert later that night, he realizes that there is no one else that he’d rather grow up with, and no one else that he wants to fight and kiss and experience being in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thanks for making it to the very end. i really really appreciate all the kind comments and words of encouragement that everyone sent me. i hope you enjoyed the conclusion to this story!
> 
> as always, please let me know what you think ♡♡♡
> 
> you can also find me on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/puppylove) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/demonyukhei)!


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